The stats are in, and the decline in intimacy and sex during lockdown among singles is understandable, considering that a deadly virus could be transmitted just by sitting beside your date for tea and a chat. However, the decline in intimacy and sex during lockdown among couples staying home is somewhat baffling.
Singles are well advised against getting physically close with people who they don’t know and trust well enough to be sure that they are virus-free, unless they’ve decided to take the risk of infecting each other. Even a good friend who seems perfectly healthy may unknowingly be carrying the virus. In one study, 30% of transmissions were by asymptomatic people who were unaware that they were infected. On the bright side though, with a little imagination and adjustments to prevent the spread of COVID-19, there are plenty of sexy ideas for intimacy during the pandemic, even for singles.
Couples who are already living together probably won’t reduce their risk of infection any further by abstaining from sexual activity, if they are already sharing the same food and bedclothes, breathing the same air in a closed space and touching the same surfaces. Surprisingly though, a Kinsey study of people’s sex lives since the COVID-19 pandemic showed that very few people are taking the opportunity to enhance their bedroom activities, despite having loads of time for it. And why is this a problem?……
Is less sex really a bad thing?
Cutting back on sexual activity means missing out on the health and life-quality benefits of sex. Better heart health comes as one perk. A more serious concern is that sexless partnerships often trigger cheating, which can lead to divorce.
Intimacy is the glue that holds relationships together, and it goes beyond sex. Breaking down the word INTIMACY, it sounds like IN TO ME SEE, suggesting what happens when people connect more deeply.
For many people, fear of showing who they truly are blocks real intimacy. But if they act bravely, they can explore many fun ways to enjoy their partner more intimately, beyond penetrative sex. In fact, sex can become the icing on the cake in a deep, fulfilling, and happy relationship. Other forms of intimacy—cuddling, talking, laughing, eye contact, and touch—bring many benefits and often lead to more sexual connection. Sex without emotional intimacy, or “just eating the icing,” may appeal to singles or those cheating, but most people prefer the icing and the cake together.
Statistics show that many couples are already on their way to divorce.
The standard package might be preferable for couples, in the long-term, unless they’ve agreed on another arrangement. Intimacy with someone other than a spouse, and the absence of honest communication between partners are the top reasons that half of marriages end in divorce.
Statistics show that many couples are already on their way to divorce. The bottom line is that some sort of remedy for dwindling sex lives during the COVID-19 pandemic could boost health and wellbeing and possibly save marriages. To that end, lets look the why staying at home hasn’t been very sexy.
STRESS isn’t sexy
The pandemic has fueled fear, worry, and uncertainty. Balancing virus precautions, childcare, homeschooling, and online work can make home feel like a prison rather than a peaceful place with your partner. Spending more time together can trigger frustrations, anger, fear, and sadness, dampening sexual desire. Without healthy ways to handle stress, these tensions can lead to ongoing problems at home.
In many homes, the difficulties had already started prior to March 2020.
Truthfully, couples likely weren’t having much sex to begin with; Sexiness, and apparently the frequency of having sex, declines with the length of time couples have been together. An astounding one in five married couples have sex less than ten times a year and another one in five are having no sex at all. These may be the extremes but still, on average, after ten years of marriage, more than half of couples are only having sex once a week.
To make matters worse, it is estimated that 25-75% of married men cheat. Men in sexless marriages are often unhappy; feel lonely, frustrated, unloved and undesirable. Correspondingly, they are likely to show physical signs of unrest such as increased blood pressure. Considering all this, it may seem excusable for men to seek sex outside of sexless marriages, because they are suffering and just trying to save their marriage, at least that is what they say when asked. Women who cheat are more likely to have already decided to end the marriage.
Women who want to keep their partner though, may need to make some changes so they can enjoy sex with their partners again. Likewise, men have a part to play in spicing things up.
What is Sexy?
You can set the mood with dim lights, candles, romantic music, sexy attire, and massage oil with aphrodisiac scents like ylang-ylang. But after the stress and uncertainty of the pandemic, one of you may not feel “in the mood,” and these efforts could backfire. Talking openly with your partner first can help, and together you might try some less obvious ways to spark intimacy.
Sex is sexy
If you want sex, just ask—doing so won’t kill the romance. Your partner may not be in the mood, but even a little sexy touch can spark desire. A 30-second hug releases oxytocin, the “love hormone,” boosting closeness and setting the stage for intimacy. Still, foreplay doesn’t always guarantee sex, as other factors can come into play.
Sexy body a must?
Physical fitness can make lovemaking more enjoyable, and healthy bodies or sexy attire can be a turn-on. While media ideals influence what women see as sexy, research shows men often prefer women who are curvy and healthy. Still, sex appeal fades if the emotional connection in the relationship is neglected.
Appreciation is Sexy
All appreciation, not just commenting on physical appearance, is ‘foreplay’. Expressing gratitude to your partner for something as simple as taking out the trash or making tea can go a long way. If not verbal, then a short text or, even better, a little note slipped in a lunchbox or under a pillow would bring a smile and a tingle to kindle your partner’s desire. What comes next could make them smile even more.
Try something new in the bedroom
Couples do create more intimacy by sharing what they need and want in the realm of love-making.
Moving from humdrum duty sex once a week to suddenly asking your partner if you can be their sex slave might be too much too soon. However, any steps to introduce more variety and inventiveness, even if it means you would feel somewhat vulnerable and uncomfortable at first, would open a door for more trust and closeness with your partner.
Do discuss and agree on what is acceptable. This might require new boundaries when trying a risqué sexual activity; Saying “no” at any point is always an option and if your partner doesn’t respect that, your relationship may be in trouble.
The new fun, imaginative and sexy things you do together may not involve sex at all. Variety is the spice of life and is an important element in a satisfying sexual relationship. Simple things like blowing bubbles or chasing butterflies can be on the list too.
How can dating be safe during the COVID-19 pandemic ?
There are ways for singles to maintain their zest for life, openness to joy and even their libidos during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Video dates, sexting, and video sex are modern ways to connect. Whether single or in a relationship, you can explore online or solo options while still following COVID-19 safety guidelines.
Virtual Intimacy
Online dating has been growing in popularity even before the COVID-19 pandemic, when 39% of couples met online and even 16% of the over-50 crowd were using online dating. The numbers are likely much higher now. Eventually couples need to pass the test of meeting in person before deciding if they are a good match, but in the meantime, there are always ways to have sexual pleasure without a partner.
Solo ventures
About 80% of sex happens in the brain, and fantasies can occur without a partner. Women using vibrators and men watching porn may reach reliable orgasms, but in relationships, partners can feel jealous or intimidated. Relying on these aids can create unrealistic expectations, and some wives may avoid sex rather than compete.
Masturbation and porn focus on orgasms and mechanics, but they don’t improve communication or intimacy. Porn can also objectify women, which undermines healthy, respectful relationship
Self-love is healthy AND sexy
Why not have a date with yourself? Safe during the pandemic, self-love shows emotional intelligence and boosts your appeal as a partner. Take time for self-pleasure, try sexy self-massage, and explore what you enjoy. When you’re with someone again, you’ll know how to guide them—though partner sex is still welcome.
Healthy sexuality together
Learning the art of tantra or other online courses on sexuality together could guide you towards many different ways to create real intimacy, more presence and satisfaction when making love with your partner. There is much room for improvement. Consider, for example, the findings of one study where ten percent of women admitted to checking phone messages while having sex with their partners.
Dating in the pandemic
Absolutely! We all could use a pick-me-up, and as long as you follow COVID-19 precautions in your area, dating can do more good than harm. Joy helps reduce stress and can even support your immune system. If you want a relationship, you have to get out there—online or in person. After chatting online, a video call can serve as a no-fuss first date, where you can even share a meal comfortably without a mask.
When considering an in-person meeting, have a conversation with your potential partner about whether it feels safe. This discussion can reveal how you both navigate challenges and help determine if your partner is right for you. Start simple: outdoor patios, backyards, park picnics, walks, or bike rides all make safe, enjoyable date options. On cold or rainy days, a virtual tea date works just as well.
Whatever you choose, make your boundaries clear and observe how your partner responds. Use a soft-hand STOP signal if you feel uncomfortable with hugs, kisses, or any intimate touch, and explain your reason if it’s safety-related to avoid misunderstandings. Respecting your own boundaries is vital for self-esteem. If your partner disregards them, you’ll need to decide your next steps.
Once trust is established, you might explore a video sex date, where you show your partner intimate parts virtually rather than in person. It’s part of the “new normal” in dating, blending safety, connection, and intimacy in creative ways. With communication, care, and mutual respect, you can navigate modern dating confidently—even during a pandemic.
Video Sex Dates
The same advice about clarifying your comfort level would apply with a video sex date. The line between encouragement and pressure may be a fine one, but with attention to your inner signals you will know whether requests should be responded to with a yes or a no. At least when meeting online, risqué is not risky for virus transmission.
Some guidelines for this relatively new form of safe sex:
- Be patient. Video sex dates may take some adjustment and learning
- Prepare the space and the technology ahead of time. The space would be set up the same way you would if you were with your partner or maybe leaning more towards what makes YOU feel your sexiest and most comfortable. Adjust the lighting so you aren’t bothered by feeling like you’re in a spotlight, but you do want enough light for your partner to see whatever you are highlighting. A phone tripod or stand is useful but if you don’t have one and will be holding the phone in your hand at times, you may want to cover it with plastic wrap.
- Do get creative move a candle to highlight body parts and use partner feedback to see what they enjoy. One lover may like lips, another toes! Use sex toys and explore self-pleasure with your partner’s encouragement. Creative “show and tell” helps communicate your preferred pressure, speed, angle, and depth.
This is especially useful for women to guide clitoral stimulation, the key to most women’s orgasms. The clitoris has two to three times more nerve endings than the penis, and its size can increase with age, making sex after 50 even more enjoyable.
When it comes to your body, you choose what you share with your partner, so you have the most pleasure possible. Whatever you choose, keep in mind your objective is to spread love and not virus.
For more techniques for creating intimacy in your relationships you might visit Love is the Way and book a Relationship Breakthrough Session.
